The asshat abhors Lesson 324. (Note: Pam Grout refers to the ego as the chatty asshat)
"Like hell I will," it responds to all suggestions that it step aside and let The One Who Knows lead the way. It pitches a fit at the slightest hint at the Dude (the U) chomping at the bits to get involved in my life, to connect with me, to provide me with guidance.
The ego is very protective of that job. It lives to plan. To work things out.
The ego comes up with a finite plan, a restricted process to getting from point A to point B.
It doesn't have a clue.
Here's an example. The ego wants to win the lottery.
There's nothing wrong with winning the lottery, but that's a finite way to achieve abundance. The Universe is freaking infinite. It knows three bazillion ways to achieve abundance. So planning to win the lottery gives the Universe a grand total of one option.
Today, as I merely follow and not lead, I allow the Universe to haggle with the details.
-- Pam Grout - A Course In Miracles Experiment
The High Achiever Identity: When Intelligence Becomes a Safety Mechanism
In primary school, during math lesson, my teacher would make me sit with my arms crossed after I had finished the day's lesson. Sometimes up to half an hour.
I scored a 95% in math on my A level exams.
Later, when applying for my first job at KLM, I scored at the top 2% for their college level IQ test.
I had arrived 30 minutes late to my interview and test, because I was a little chaotic and didn't realize that Schiphol (the Dutch airport) was so huge it would take me an hour to get to the building I needed to be at.
Whilst on the bus to the interview, I got a call from another company where I had an assessment the day before. They offered me a position on their management traineeship program.
The lady at KLM, who was supposed to interview and test me, was understandably pissed. I figured I could say goodbye to the job. Then, after the test, her demeanor changed and I got invited to their assessment day.
I ended up going with the first company, because I would have the option to do a 6 month traineeship at KLM with them.
That never happened.
After a year of working, I burnt out.
Burnout Isn’t About Capacity — It’s About Ego Control
My anxiety levels were through the roof.
Deemed a high potential, I was traveling abroad for assignments and the final straw was a trip to Italy where I met with 4 or 5 middle aged suits. They questioned why I was sent, because I wouldn't "get it" anyway. They dismissed me and told me to go shop in Rome.
I could handle the job intellectually. Emotionally, not so much.
There were too many things that felt out of control. Where I didn't know how to react. And despite my intellect, I felt like an imposter. Inferior. Anxious.
Part of this, too, was that the direction my life was taking, didn't feel aligned. I hadn't learnt to listen to that. Instead, I had learnt to lead from my intellect. That's where I felt safe and in control. That's what my worth was connected to.
Any time or place I would feel out of control, the ego would take over.
Ruminating, what iffing, imagining worst case scenarios, forcing the how, arguing and negotiating with myself.
It was exhausting.
No wonder I burnt out.
Why Therapy and Strategies Don’t Work When the Ego Is in Charge
My experience of loss at an early age (ie something devastating I couldn't control) + being a bit of a geek / nerd + a high level of empathy + a society that confuses grades with worth, equalled a complete disconnect from my intuition and an inability to let go of control.
It depletes the body. It affects relationships. Ruins one's sense of peace.
Therapy, strategies, hypnotherapy, breath work, manifestation work, none of these will make a difference as long as you are operating from the ego mind.
Because any time it gets an inkling you're wanting to let go of control, it'll say: "Like hell you will!"
If you recognize yourself in what I shared here today, I have a special invitation for you. One where we work together on transcending the ego and leaning into a sense of peace, trust, and surrender, so you can finally live from a place of ease. You can read more about the invitation right here: throwittotheu.com/exclusive-access-to-femke
Love,
Femke - Your Miracle Consciousness Guide