"I cannot stop bad things from happening."
"It’s not that I haven’t tried for most of my life, to stop bad things from happening. But the truth is, I can’t. I'm powerless, helpless."
It was a mild afternoon in May. My friend and I were walking home from school. We were giggling about something, I don't remember what. What I do remember, is feeling carefree.
Not a care in the world.
That's when the ambulance comes around the corner. It was one of those low slung ones, with only half of the windows frosted. Being curious 9-year-olds, we peeked inside.
"That looks like my dad," I said jokingly.
Of course, it couldn't have been my dad. He's invincible.
A worldview that shattered in a matter of seconds, when my mom drove around the corner, following the ambulance.
That afternoon was the longest afternoon in the history of afternoons. I remember feeling my brother's worry. He was two years older and more aware.
I don't remember much of what happens next and in what order, or when we were told -- at the hospital -- that our dad was going to die.
The doctor had to leave the room when the news was dropped on us.
We couldn't.
Not physically, at least.
But I still left.
The 9 year old me so desperately wanted to deny the devastating truth. I just had to let it happen. There was nothing I could do about it.
So I pretended that none of it was happening. I would tell me mom what we would do after dad died, as if it wasn't an earth shattering event for a little daddy's girl.
I steeled myself against the devastation.
In that moment something changed in my body.
Carefreeness no longer felt safe.
Somewhere deep inside, my system made a decision:
If I stay alert enough… if I analyze enough… maybe I can stop bad things from happening.
For most of my life, I held my breath, tightened my muscles, and clenched my jaw. I analyzing everything, got hyper-independent.
Trying to force outcomes, because I couldn't rely on anyone else. Especially not the Universe.
All of this in an effort to stop bad things from happening.
The truth is: I can’t.
It's simply a part of life.
The only thing I really managed to stop from happening, was life itself.
Living with a governor on stops the flow.
To quote Benjamin Hoff in The Tao Of Pooh: "According to Lao-tse, the more man interfered with the natural balance produced and governed by the universal laws, the further away the harmony retreated into the distance. The more forcing, the more trouble."
Over the years I tried everything that promised healing.
Therapy.
Deep coaching.
Meditation retreats.
Breathwork.
Hypnotherapy.
I addressed the trauma. I talked to my inner child. I uncovered beliefs.
And yet something none of it released that deeper desire to control.
Relief would come for a while… and then the same pattern would come back in full force.
The moment something in life felt out of my hands, my body reacted instantly.
Contraction.
A rush of urgency.
The need to regain control.
Not because I didn’t understand the pattern.
But because my nervous system had learned something much deeper.
It had learned that life was not safe to trust.
And when something is out of your hands, the mind moves quickly to regain control.
Not because we want to control everything.
But because the body believes it has to.
Over time I began noticing this same pattern again and again in coaching sessions.
Highly thoughtful women. Deep feelers. Intellectually strong.
Women who had done years of inner work.
And yet something still felt stuck.
That’s when something important began to click.
The real challenge isn’t the trauma itself.
And it’s not even the triggers.
The real challenge is the moment when life moves beyond our control.
That moment when something feels out of our hands.
Interestingly, the moment when something moves beyond our control is actually a moment of release in the body.
For a split second, the system recognizes:
There is nothing for me to do.
It’s a natural relaxation.
But most people never experience that relaxation.
Over time the mind has learned to treat that moment as dangerous.
The moment something feels out of our hands, the nervous system moves instantly into contraction.
A rush of urgency.
Analysis.
The need to regain control.
The body escapes the relaxation before we even notice it was there.
When I slow this moment down with clients, something fascinating happens.
Most people can easily identify what is out of their control when asked.
But when we look for the physical sensation of letting go — the body often cannot feel it at all.
The system has tabooed it.
Instead of allowing the release, it contracts around the unknown.
And that contraction is what activates The Doom Loop™.
A fast cycle of linking lack of control to catastrophic outcomes, and the nervous system activating to escape it through analysis, tension, and attempts to regain control.
Most personal development focuses on action strategies, healing processes, and regulating the nervous system.
But most people don't actually need more healing. They need to learn how to step beyond the Doom Loop™.
Learning how to remain inside the moment when life feels out of your hands.
Instead of immediately trying to fix it.
Instead of escaping back into control.
That space is what I refer to as The Waiting Room.
It’s the moment between reaction and control.
The moment where something powerful becomes possible.
Inside the Waiting Room we begin to rediscover trust.
We untether from the beliefs and expectations that once shaped our identity.
And slowly — over time — we develop a deeper tolerance for the unknown.
Until eventually something remarkable happens.
Instead of gripping life harder…
We can simply Throw It To The U™.
And life begins to unfold in ways the mind could never have forced.
If parts of this resonate with you, you may already be recognizing moments in your own life where something felt completely out of your hands.
Most people try to escape that moment.
But what if that moment is actually the doorway to something deeper?
If you're curious to explore this further, you’re welcome to continue the journey here:
→ Explore the Doom Loop
→ Discover the Waiting Room
Or, if you'd like to receive reflections like this as they are published, you can join the Journey Into The Unknown reflections below.
And if you'd like to explore this work with other deep-feeling thinkers, you're welcome to join us inside The Freedom Lounge community.
Love,
Femke